Monday, November 17, 2008

Mom "Ease" Class

So, this past weekend, Mom and Dad took another class to try and teach them something that they can't possibly be taught in a classroom setting. Much like when one works at McDonald's, and are shown a training video that presents a world that CLEARLY doesn't exist, Mom and Dad went to a class which was, while helpful and very informative, showed them a world far calmer than the one they will probably encounter in merely a few weeks.

In a McDonald's training video, for example, there is typically only one customer in the restaurant at a time...they are ordering in complete,intelligible sentences, and the person behind the counter is answering in complete, intelligible sentences. The grill area is spotless, the employees are wearing clean and freshly pressed uniforms fit for the the pope to eat off of. 

The reality? No one on either side of the counter knows what's really going on...the grill is a greasy, chaotic mess, staffed by people who are greasy chaotic messes themselves.

Yes...that's what giving birth is all about, cats and kittens! Now, don't get me wrong...the instructor was fun, and had a lot of experience. She was
 also honest about how distasteful, gory, and unpredictable the experience could be. It was just funny to try and put something into a lesson, when the person teaching you admits that certain things "May not go this way at all" while others "Almost always happen this way"

Mom and Dad learned a lot, and Mom got some good massages out of it (Calm Mommy=Calm Me....get it? Dad...I demand more massages for Mom!)

(Dad got a lot of material for his planned book: "Your Baby Is Transparent! And Other Things No One Tells You About pregnancy." He has even planned a follow-up: "Giving Birth is Gross! Oh...and also kind of miraculous and beautiful...")Many of the partners were late to the class because something called "The G-20" was meeting in DC. In addition to that, there were people protesting members of this "G20" I'll tell you what...I don't think these people are going to actually get anything helpful done that warrants over two hours for Dad to drive just over 2 miles...I think Bush wanted to extend one last middle finger to a city he hardly actually spent any time in, before he leaves in January...

He (My Dad...not current President Bush) finally had to abandon the car and walk the rest of the way, which was not surprisingly much quicker. He looked a bit ridiculous walking past bar-goers in the GW University restaurant/bar district with two pillows and blanket in a huge bag for the class, which  never actually got used.

Dad is so silly sometimes.

Either way...Mom really wants to try and have a natural birth (Though, if my first breaths are taken in this world with a small cocktail tickling the ivories of my little brain, I wouldn't necessarily complain...) and they learned a lot about being able to do that. They felt better in some ways after the class, but were also a little scared. That's natural, I guess. Heck, I was a bit scared myself...I had no IDEA that I actually had to do a little work in this endeavor to get outta here...

The class also included a tour of the birthing wing which was fun. The staff seemed nice, and the rooms were nicer than they anticipated. There are also private bathrooms and showers in the rooms for Dad to get his Singing on...

Mom and Dad got a kick out of the "VIP" room, which costs, like, a billion dollars....Picture this if you will: A typical hospital room...slightly bigger, private, with a bed for Mom, a few chairs, a private bathroom and shower, and a view of the huge hole in the ground that is a construction site. Now....add slightly nice sheets, some kind of armoire, a couch, and cha-ching!!! That costs you almost $300 bucks a night.


All in all, a great and very useful class....though Dad has already forgotten nearly everything, and I wonder if I am gonna make it through having him as a Dad...Though the hospital was nice, I am disconcerted by the fact that after I am born, I will spent my first days in, what is essentially, a tupperware container. Are you kidding me? Unacceptable.

And what's the deal with the creepy baby dolls being used as "examples" in these classes? First the CPR kid, now THESE??! Those things bug me out, and I know what I actually look like! Imagine they showed those things to people BEFORE they got pregnant? Outrageous! No one would EVER have a kid on purpose. They are clearly not designed by anyone who cares about what people think of babies...Ugh...I just got a case of the heebies with a  side of the jeebies...

And for God's sake...Please remember....the BABY goes here...

And The leftovers go HERE....

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